The hardest part of learning to handle family, romantic, or other relationships is experiencing, up close and personal, the fallacies of other human beings. They’re there, like it or not, and we have to deal with them and their flaws.
Sometimes anger stems from learned behaviors; when your mother was upset at your father, she nagged him. Your immediate reaction is to then nag. We cannot blame our mothers, or our genes, we just must change ourselves.
And change our expectations. Not lower them. But realize that these flaws might always be there, and this person might never fully meet what we need. Maybe they cannot right now. Perhaps your husband or wife returned from war, and cannot talk about it—or much of anything else. Perhaps you were in a war zone, and find it difficult to handle the emotional or financial or physical needs of your husband or wife; they seem to be asking too much when you’ve handled so much already; and yet their concerns and complaints seem small compared to what you’ve seen. Part of dealing with this is understanding where the other person came from.
Gaining another’s perspective can help with this; a friend or family member who has dealt with similar situations, for instance. Perhaps you realize you mimic your father in the family, and so you can turn to your mother for her side of the story—and, therefore, what your partner may be going through. You can glean wisdom from others.
And, of course, there is help in finding your partners’ point of view. They may be a runner in emotional situations; and so the best approach is to give them some space, and then, without anger or sadness or blame, attempt to ask them what their point of view really is. Explain why and what you want to know, and that you are there for them when they want to talk. Then wait. And, when the time comes, truly listen.
Realize, too, that the families we were raised in gave us very set role models. It is rare that a family member can change without rocking the boat—and most family dynamics do not wish to be upset that way. There will be resistance and more anger at first, to anyone who tries to break out of a family-ordained role or pattern, or just plain break the mold from what is expected. If you attempt to change your family system and order, even if for the better—to break an anger cycle—then expect some resistance and adverse reactions at first. If you can expect this, then you can prepare yourself to still stay warm and calm in the face of this surprised adversity.
HH4Heroes Anger Management Strategy #5
Seeing Through the Eyes of Love. Every person on this planet has, is or will struggle at some point in their life. And what each and every one of us needs when we struggle is empathy and compassion. Empathy is our ability to see the world from the other person’s perspective. Compassion is our desire to help alleviate the suffering. In order to experience this for another, we must first experience it for ourselves. You see, the ability to love the dark, ugly and confused parts of our hearts and minds is what enables us to recognize our own “human-ness” and begin to heal. None of us is perfect and it is those warts, pimples and weakened parts that make us who we are. By embracing those parts of us that hurt and see them through the eyes of love, we can rebound as stronger and happier.
But what about when there is an event further back that is darkening the whole interaction? This is where forgiveness comes in. Holding onto something is a sure-fire way to ruin any interaction. We will discuss this in our next blog.
Remember…happiness is an inside job!
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Independent filmmaker, author, happiness coach and speaker Lisa Cypers Kamen creates these blogs to entertain, enlighten and educate our service men and women along with their families as well as support our troops. To contact Lisa, email her directly at firstname.lastname@example.org and check out her websites at www.harvestinghappiness.com , www.hh4heroes.org & www.harvestinghappinesstalkradio.com.
Harvesting Happiness Talk Radio with Lisa Cypers Kamen brings a fresh approach to the airwaves promoting happiness, well-being and global human flourishing by presenting a diverse and proactive collection of the greatest thinkers and doers who have devoted their lives to creating a better world in which to live.
She is an expert in creating happiness, finding pathways to happiness, and building a happiness formula in her Harvesting Happiness workshops. Cultivate a happier life by tuning in weekly click here .Wednesdays at 12:00 pm to 1:00 pm EST. or download her free podcasts by clicking here.
Harvesting Happiness for Heroes is a pending 501(c)(3), non-profit corporation. Our mission objective is to offer support services to Warriors and Warrior families challenged by Combat Trauma, PTSD and post-deployment reintegration issues. HH4Heroes offers Battle Buddy workshops, family awareness training, online community support, one-on-one coaching services, as well as retreats for Warriors to decompress from battle and understand the tools available for them to adapt their military skills to civilian society.
Harvesting Happiness & Harvesting Happiness for Heroes provides positive psychology coaching tools to facilitate greater well-being. This communication is provided for education and inspiration. This communication does not constitute mental health treatment nor is it indicative of a private therapeutic relationship. Individuals desiring help for trauma, addiction and abuse related issues or other psychological concerns should seek out a mental health professional.
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